The List

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately.. But really, who doesn’t?

I’ve recently (and by recently I mean about month ago) decided to change up my entire life. I’ve quit a great paying job where everyone, even those I can’t stand, don’t want to see me go, and have decided to pick up and move all my things to Peterborough to live with mi novio. I have no job and no money to go to, and no friends. My thinking lately has been spurred on by the fact that only this summer (after 3 years of being in Milton) have I made real friends. You know, the kind you can actually count on, and have a wicked time with.. most if not all of the time? Yah, shit is right. This has got to be the hardest and least selfish decision I have ever made in my life and I am scared out my mind. That’s why I’ve been thinking alot.

So, I run. I run and run and run until I have to stop albeit running by and by a future I can’t stand to pass by every night. I live in one of the most young-family populated metropolitans of the GTA and I must pass a mere 30 stroller-dog combos every night I go out to escape from it all. There’s something about the leash tangled up in the stroller and the screaming kids that make this sort of lifestyle unattractive to me, to say the least, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t think I want kids, but then there are some days I wish I had 4 or 5... So when do I make a decision there?

All of these questions run through my head everyday and all I can think of is how the hell do I get out of here!? I run, but we all know how well that goes; mind you I am totally refreshed and rejuvenated when I return, which is always a nice feeling. But talk about unsatisfying.

The other night my new friends invited me out on the town (don’t get excited, it’s Burlington – no offense) and we had a wicked time. And for the first time in my life I was blindsided by a question I’d never been asked before. What are your goals? What are my goals?? Like when has that ever been important? Isn’t getting by a goal? I guess that’s why we go to school. I’m not a pessimist, I’ve just never put it on to paper I guess. I have ambition and I want to do things, but I’ve never really had to supply a plan of action or even a rough draft.

When he turned thirty this year, mi novio made a list of his goals before hitting 40. I don’t know why I never thought to do the same.. I was likely scared of not accomplishing any or all of them. Get married, be trilingual, etc etc, were his, and good on him for making a list like that but MAN! I don’t know what it is about writing stuff down.. I seem to enjoy writing things down (hence blogging and blabbing on here) but it’s like writing what’s most important to you – so what if they don’t happen or you don’t accomplish them? Then those things that are most important to you are gone. Okay, so I’m being pessimistic after all, but hey, I’m a realist too.

So what are my goals? Long term or short term? Are they to be accomplished by myself or will I need help? I guess I should figure out what I want outta life first before I answer those questions.

Another question I was asked recently by my boss – So what do you see for the future? At first I thought, my future? But he meant in general.. I guess he was probing to see how my views had changed over the past 4 years. Not sure what they were back at the beginning of 07 but I guess they’ve changed dramatically because my answer was pretty sad now that I think of it..

My first thought was, “Who asks this kind of question?” and then “Why does my opinion matter to this man?” and then “I have no f$#%@^ clue.” All of these questions remind me on TES class where, in 8 hours, we’d tackle the most thought provoking questions our brains ever had and then they’d blow up at around 2 pm.

So for the future of the world: I see much of the same, of course, not everything can change in such a short lifetime. But some things will. I have a positive outlook that the Green War will win, either by hippie-power or by default (LISTEN TO THE SCIENTISTS!!). I don’t believe we will solve the problem to world hunger so as long as people require money to survive. I do know that there are some amazing teachers entering their profession that will change the lives of a few kids in the near future. And lastly I believe that if we take the time to learn a little about each other then we’d get a lot farther in things like peace keeping and empathy for the other. I’m talking out of my ass a little as it does sound super corny, but it was just today that I met the most spunky and hilarious woman at the farm. She had a major speech impediment; it was to the point that before she even said hello, she felt she needed to tell me about it. I thought, wow, why? I don’t care about that; we communicated just fine. Hilarious woman – she just loved every tree and ran around the entire place trying to pick one out in 10 minutes.. I was laughing with her of course.

One other mentionable thing that I’ve learned in the last little while: We can accomplish more and be more satisfied with life if we take the negative people out of our lives. I have my share of negative things to say, but I’ve heard worse. And if you’re like me, and you finally hear what it sounds like on the other end of a constant complaint, you’d start changing your tune too.

So how bout we start on that list now that I’ve gone through a few things I’d expect for the future:

- Give more

- Take/use less

- Learn how to take care of someone else

- Learn how to let someone take care of me

- Start using my degree(s)

- Make friends everywhere I go (even Peterborough)

- Exercise more often (‘cause even if I don’t like tripping over the leash, at least my eyes are wider when I get home)

- Walk away from negative people – but consider and embrace their realistic relevant points of view

I may not have any hardcore goals there, but I’m sure if I start with that list then other things will fall into place. I really want to work on my Spanish – and take sign language classes. So there – how’s that for a list?